Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
