My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
