im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
