quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
