I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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