battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
