he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
