Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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