can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
