theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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