All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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