he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
