Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
