I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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