i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
