I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
