I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i think my cat just said my name.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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