So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
