im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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