Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
