I am spending my child support on dildos
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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