Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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