God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize