i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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