i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
