dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
