The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
