The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
