Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize