I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
