I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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