If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
