Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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