i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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