Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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