dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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