I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
