why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
