I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
