I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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