So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
