I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
