Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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