if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
