If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize