I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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