life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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