Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
