i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize