Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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