Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
