M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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