the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What a dumb baby whore.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
