She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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