I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
